


Unspoken Words

by detri



Series: Kaiser's Fall and other fics [1]
Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! GX
Genre: Angst and Feels, Grief/Mourning, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Self-Harm, implied teens doing sex-adjacent things, past ryo/fubuki bc it's season one and fubuki is gone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 20:47:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29407893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/detri/pseuds/detri
Summary: Ryo struggles with difficult feelings in the wake of Fubuki's disappearance. There are some he can share with Asuka, and some he can't let anyone find out about.
Relationships: Marufuji Ryou | Zane Truesdale & Tenjouin Asuka | Alexis Rhodes, Marufuji Ryou | Zane Truesdale/Tenjouin Fubuki | Atticus Rhodes
Series: Kaiser's Fall and other fics [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1484132
Kudos: 7





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> me, looking at the character in a children's anime who's not moving or speaking because they didn't have the budget to animate him: "wow he's so stoic I wonder what he's thinking about"
> 
> anyway I'm rewatching YGO GX and so that means that once again I'm writing about Kaiser bc I love him. This fic is in continuity with the other Kaiser-related fics I've written in the past, but if you check those out PLEASE read the tags first because they're Dead Dove Do Not Eat!

“Hey--! Tenjoin...Tenjoin Asuka, right?”

“Yes. Marufuji Ryo-san, right?”

Ryo nodded. And with that, the girl he had been messaging for the past few weeks stepped out of the crowd, and into his life.

He reached out to shake her hand, and after a firm handshake, she took a step back and bowed slightly, as if it were an afterthought. And then silence fell between them in the clear morning light, as around them future students and their parents streamed up the stairs of the Kaiba Dome for the Duel Academy entrance exams.

Asuka glanced around, tucking her hair behind her ear. “Should we...should we go in?”

They didn’t have to for a while. Ryo didn’t have to go in at all, really, if he didn’t want to. But he couldn’t suggest anything else to do. He barely knew Domino City. “Yeah, sure.”

She turned up the stairs, and Ryo found himself following her, more because she had started walking first than because she knew where she was going any better than he did—in fact, he _did_ know where he was going better than she did. But you’d hardly know that by looking at her. As an Obelisk Blue, Asuka had her uniform already, and it was easy to assume from how she walked that she was an upperclassman here to assist with administration or cheer on a younger sibling. Both of which were things Ryo was supposedly here doing.

But really, coming back from Academy Island to Domino City today was about meeting Asuka. Putting a clear face to the name that had messaged him out of the blue over break.

 _I’m Fubuki’s younger sister,_ she had said, and he had summoned up a faint memory of a junior high student with sandy hair and bright eyes. He’d probably met her once or twice—maybe she’d come to visit the island before. She was in the Obelisk prep school back on the mainland, if he remembered right. Fubuki’d talked about her a lot, but she had never been a person in Ryo’s mind as much as a collection of traits that were loosely gathered under the name “Asuka”. He had never thought she would play into his life, so he never thought much about her. Sure, Fubuki had made offhanded remarks about pairing the two of them up. But he did that with everybody.

But then, Fubuki had disappeared.

And just after final exams had ended, as Ryo had just sent a message to his parents that _no, I won’t be coming home for break,_ a message had come in from an unknown number, and it had been from that vague assembly of concepts that Ryo had to suddenly and frantically collate into a human being.

_I’m Fubuki’s younger sister, Asuka. I’m coming to Duel Academy as an Obelisk Blue this spring. I know you were his best friend. I hope it’s okay to contact you suddenly like this. I wanted to talk._

And as he was staring at the screen, thinking that she would only be disappointed, that he was the last person to be able to give comfort to some grieving junior high girl he didn’t know, that he didn’t even have the ability to confront his own feelings about his best friend’s loss, and that he could hardly tell her any of that, another message followed.

_I want to_ _t_ _ake the search for him into my own hands_ _. I’m so sorry to impose on you, but I wanted to rely on you for any leads you might be able to think of._

And  Ryo understood that Asuka was someone he might be able to get along with.

“There’s still so long before the practicals start.” Asuka glanced up at the clock in the lobby. The vast room was packed tight with fifteen-year-olds, mostly boys. A few faculty members and volunteer Blues were trying to guide them into a line, but they all seemed more interested in mingling than orderly waiting. Ryo tried to tamp down his frustration at seeing that kind of rude and disorderly conduct. The duelists of the future could stand to have a little more respect.

“We don’t have to wait in here.”

“We don’t?”

He managed something like a smile at her. “If you’re with me, no one would mind if we got into the auditorium early.”

She managed something like a smile back. He was relieved to see how awkward it was, even if it was a mirror of his own expression. “ Then yeah. Let’s get out of here.”

Ryo wove his way through the tight crowds and ducked under the velvet rope that was barring off the entrance to the auditorium, giving a perfunctory wave to the Blue underclassman they passed along the way. Asuka sighed behind him as soon as they were safely overlooking the stands. He felt a s relieved as she did.

Though, looking over the empty Kaiba Dome, to the duel field far, far below, a difficult feeling of a different kind rose up in him.

_T_ _his time next year_ _, if I just keep up this pace, I’ll be dueling down there._ That was the future that he and Fubuki both had had laid before them, the only future either of them had considered.

_ Even if he’s not here. _

Ryo felt,  _knew_ , that he should feel more guilty about it. Fubuki had been cut out of the fabric of his life,  and an empty void was left where he had been.  B ut everything else in his world was the same as usual. School was the same, duels were the same, the future was the same. R yo didn’t know what else to do but keep going. Sometimes, he felt like Fubuki’s disappearance wasn’t even real;  and sometimes, if he let himself rest, he felt h is absence all too strongly. 

But that just g ave him more reasons to  push his feelings down , to throw himself into his courses and p lan for the future that would arrive no matter what.

From up here, Ryo could see Instructor Cronos running around the edges of the arena  on his comically long legs , trying to adjust or check this or that before the practical exams began,  no doubt getting in the way more than he helped . R yo lightly touched Asuka’s arm before pointing down at him.

“That’s the head of Blue. Cronos de Medici. He’s the supervisor for practical exams, too.”

“Oh.” Asuka craned her neck to get a better look at him. “He’s...interesting-looking, isn’t he?”

Ryo supposed that he was, but didn’t feel strongly enough about it to agree verbally.

“I wonder if it would be brown-nosing too much to try and introduce myself already.” She laughed a little.

“ It’s never too early to put forth a good impression with such an important man. And h e’d probably love to meet you.  Um...Fubuki is one of his favorite students.”

“Then Fubuki’s probably mentioned him to me a few times.”

The use of the present tense hung heavy and unnatural in the air. Silence fell between them again.

“We could probably get a good view over there,” Asuka said finally, and began walking.

They leaned against the wall, and Ryo wasn’t sure whether to try to speak or not, whether to act like a senpai or a new friend or like they were just two people who happened to be at the same  place at the same t ime waiting for something to start. Email had been easier. There had been facts to state. Asuka had had questions to ask and he had had answers to give. They’d spoken in brief sentences and he could take as long as he needed to respond, if he needed some time. And sometimes he did.

He stole a glance at her. She wasn’t a lot like Fubuki. He wasn’t just thinking of personality, either—she didn’t look like him. There was some family resemblance. But Ryo had been afraid, if he was being honest with himself, of meeting a girl who looked just like Fubuki, and thinking for a second that Fubuki was back.

She didn’t talk like him, or act like him, or look just like him. But she was proof that he had existed,  and he was glad about that. 

No, not proof that he _had existed_. He did still exist. Fubuki wasn’t dead. He was just missing. He wasn’t dead.

It was unthinkable for him to be dead.

“ Signore Marufuji!”

Ryo jumped, realizing that once again he had lost track of his surroundings. He blinked, and then bowed his head slightly to his professor. “Instructor Cronos. Good morning.”

Cronos was panting, and it was evident that he’d legged it up the auditorium stairs two at a time. “I did not see you at the hotel this morning! You must have gotten an early start, is that so? Some morning exercise, perhaps? I am glad to see you here, however!” He straightened his posture and adjusted the collar of his jacket. “Whew. Pastrami. I am not as young as I once was.”

“If there’s anything you’d like me to help you with before the practical exams start—“

“Non! Non non non, Signore Marufuji.” Cronos’s response was more immediate than Ryo would have expected. “Please do not feel that you need to assist any more than you have already. At this current hour, I would be most reassured if you took the time to relax, so that you may watch the duels of the new students who you will be leading this year.” His strident and accented voice softened. “Though of course, if you do find that your energy is largely consumed by personal matters this year, no one at Duel Academy would say a word against you. Your head professor, that is to say, I, would not permit it.”

The intended effect was relief, but Ryo only felt shame. “Thank you for your kindness, but I intend to perform to my utmost potential this year. If I slack off, the professional world won’t be kind to me. And it wouldn’t be fair to my underclassmen to show them any less than my best.”

“Ahh, splendido, Signore Marufuji! That indomitable spirit is the very reason why they call you the Kaiser of this Academy, indeed! Nevertheless, there is truly nothing more for anyone to do for the current moment, and we are only waiting for the clock to strike the appropriate hour! Please continue your conversation with Signora...” He turned to Asuka for the first time, trying to recall her to memory.

“Tenjoin Asuka. I’m a first-year. Pleased to meet you.” Asuka dipped her head in a bow.

“Tenjoin, is it?” Cronos grasped Asuka’s hand in his long fingers, but seemed to have forgotten to shake it. “Then, could it be that you are indeed—“

“My older brother is Tenjoin Fubuki, yes.”

A grimace crossed Cronos’s face even as he tried to grin through it. “Well then—I do very eagerly look forward to your presence in our Blue class, Signora, and I do expect great things from you, and do also accept my sincerest condolences and the offer of whatever help I may be able to provide to you—“

“ There’s no need to provide condolences, Instructor Cronos. It’s not like Fubuki is dead.” Asuka’s tone was too harsh for a  student speaking to a teacher .  She checked herself immediately. “But thank you. I hope to make my brother proud, while forging my own path as a duelist.”

“ Of course! Of course, Signora Tenjoin Asuka, I am sure that as one of our very own Blues, you will be more than capable of shining in whichever way you may,  and of using this school as a stepping stone to whichever brilliant future awaits. Cannoli. Well then, I shall leave you to chat with the Kaiser! How wonderful that the two of you have formed already a pair, indeed.” Cronos left as immediately as he had came, singing as he bustled off in whichever direction he would inflict himself on next.

“He really is a brilliant duelist,” Ryo said, as if he were apologizing.

“I probably messed that up.” Asuka sagged against the wall.

“You didn’t.  Instructor Cronos can be a harsh grader, but he cares a lot for Blue, even the girls who are technically Ayukawa’s students.  If your grades are good, he actually lets you get away with a lot...” he admitted.

“So, stay at the top of my class and I’ll be able to snoop around all I want, is what you’re saying.”

“You didn’t hear it from me, though.”  
Asuka laughed. “I never had a problem keeping up with these kids who are moving up to the Academy with with me. But I’m excited to see what the new students bring to the table.”

“You mean the Yellows and Reds? Don’t get too excited. Sometimes a Yellow really stands out, but that just means they’ll be coming to Blue soon. There’s a reason why Blue is so big. This is a school for elites.”

“There’s always room to be surprised, Kaiser.” Asuka had picked up his nickname. “Don’t get complacent at the top.”

“I’m not complacent, I just have a good grasp of my abilities.”

Asuka laughed again. “I was messing with you.”

_She’s more like Fubuki than I thought._

“Oh, you’re smiling.”

Ryo wiped the smile from his face. “My apologies.”

“Don’t be. I was trying to make you smile.”

Below them, students were starting to filter in and take their places for the practical exam, and the Kaiba Land auditorium filled up with the sound of chatter. They’d be dueling from the bottom of the written exam scores first, Ryo remembered. He thought he saw Sho’s shock of unruly blue hair somewhere in the crowd below.  _He probably doesn’t remember where they told him to go._ _It’s hard to imagine they’d let him in if he can’t even show up on time._ It might be best if Sho just gave up on dueling and went to a normal high school. Ryo almost hoped he’d be rejected, just because there was enough going on in his life without Sho  metaphorically  clinging to him and asking to be carried.  _By this point he’s old enough that it’s embarrassing to ask his brother for help. Doesn’t he get that?_

Other first-year Blues, as well as students who would be dueling in the next block, began taking up the seats, but Ryo didn’t ask Asuka if she wanted to sit. He didn’t like the idea of crowding in  with everyone else, especially if there were people on either side of him. It was better to stay at a removed distance, and he hoped she f elt that  way too. She didn’t seem to mind, at least.

As the duels proceeded, they watched side by side in an easy silence. If a match was interesting, they’d talk about it. If a duelist was particularly good or bad, they’d mention it. As the match order moved up, and the students that took the field grew more and more promising on the whole, that silence melted, and before Ryo realized it, he and Asuka had been talking for hours, as if they had been friends for years.

It was a complicated feeling. He hadn’t talked to anyone this much in a long time.

And he and Asuka weren’t friends; he had a best friend already.

But he was glad she was here. Though he never would have said it to her or to anyone else, Ryo was glad he wasn’t going into his senior year alone.


	2. Chapter 2

The only thing by the docks was the Red dorm. It was an unfortunate decision and a fault of the Academy’s planning that new students would disembark from the boats or the helicopters that took them to Duel Academy and be greeted with a dingy building that looked like a cheap block of apartments. It was unfortunate for the Red students too, who were always at risk of being awoken by a foghorn or the chopping of helicopter blades, or who might be unlucky enough to be assigned the one room where the lighthouse’s beam just so happened to shine right into their window.

Ryo thought about this more than the average Blue student because he spent so much time by that lighthouse.

He had started eating lunch there last year, because he needed somewhere he could be alone—but not any of the places where he had been alone with Fubuki. That took just about anywhere that was secluded and comfortable out of the running. But the lighthouse pier was cold, windy, a long walk away, and a bad place for kissing because everyone could see you once you were there anyway. So he and Fubuki had never bothered with it.

Now that he and Asuka had started talking, he was using it again. They couldn’t hang out in the boys’ or the girls’ common room; girls wouldn’t stop talking to him and loved to gossip, and boys loved to gossip as much as girls, but they were much cruder about it. So he’d suggested the lighthouse. Asuka had taken him up on it gladly. Ryo suspected she hated the g ossip as much as he did.

“ Junko and Momoe aren’t bad,” she said, about her two closest friends. “Sometimes it feels like everyone else into dueling is a  guy , so it’s nice to have girl friends. But I feel like there’s a lot they don’t get. And all they talk about is boys.” She smiled up at Ryo. “You know what I mean, right? I bet Fubuki never shut up about girls.”

“He did...um, he did spend a lot of time with girls, yeah.” Aside from Ryo, most of Fubuki’s friends had been girls. Ryo never understood it. He never really cared for girls one way or another, and on the whole thought they were loud and talked too much. Fubuki was also loud and talked too much, so that explained that much.

“But I don’t g et it.  Guy s  our age are so immature.”

“They don’t change much in three years, trust me.”

“You’re much more mature than my classmates.”

Ryo conceded that.

“Anyway, Junko and Momoe keep asking me if y ou and I are dating—it’s so annoying. You’re not going to tell anyone we’re dating, are you? I don’t need that kind of distraction.”

Ryo smiled. “Don’t worry, I don’t either. I shut down rumors like that as soon as I hear them.”

“Good. I want people to talk about me for the quality of my dueling, not because they think I’m dating the Kaiser. They really do call you Kaiser, you know? More than your name.”

“Yeah, it just stuck at some point.”

“Do you mind it?”

“No, people can call me what they want.”

Asuka nodded. Both of them looked out over the ocean, even though the sun was beginning to descend far enough to get into their eyes. It was easier for Ryo than making eye contact.

“They call you the Queen of Obelisk Blue.”

“I know. I don’t mind that either.”  _Because I am_ , was the unspoken conclusion. There were plenty of first-year Blues with an abundance of confidence, but Ryo thought Asuka carried it better than most of them.

She was refreshing to be around. She was bold and straightforward and  self-possessed, and knowing she was looking for Fubuki made R yo feel like he might really be able to be found.

She was  braver than Ryo was. Ryo wasn’t sure he had the confidence to say, like she did, that Fubuki was  alive and  somewhere on the island.

“How are you going to search for him?” Not by combing the woods with a flashlight, hopefully. They had done that last year—Ryo and a bunch of other Blues. (No teachers, though, and no one from any other classes—Blue would take care of its own problems without help from lesser students. And the faculty had stayed strangely quiet about the whole thing. There had never been an announcement about it. Not even a missing poster.)

Anyway, they hadn’t found anything. And they had been told off by adults. There were poisonous snakes in the woods, and suspiciously unspecified ‘old buildings’, which only fed the rumor that the jungle was hiding some of KaibaCorp’s shadier off-the-books testing facilities. This whole island did belong to KaibaCorp, after all. Which probably complicated the search for the missing students even more.

Ryo thought all this while staring out over the ocean, and wished he had had the presence of mind to say it out loud before Asuka started talking, but she was talking already.

“...and talk to older students to see what they remember. I don’t want to get a reputation for being uppity or annoying, though. If you’re not too busy, maybe you could introduce me to some people? It would be less weird if you spoke up first. And you know, you know who would know. About Fubuki’s other friends, I mean.”

Fubuki’s other friends. He had had plenty of them. The two of them had had plenty of friends in their first year, a whole clique of boys who had moved up from the middle school together. Ryo wondered why he couldn’t remember how the two of them had separated from that group, and become closer to each other than to anyone else.

Something had surely happened. But Ryo was just as sure that he, the most serious duelist of his whole year, had managed to miss it somewhere between the endless card packs and class exams.

“Kaiser?”

“...Honestly, just ask any third-year girl. He was friends with all of them.”

“God, of course he was.” Asuka laughed, and she was probably laughing at his absentmindedness too.

Asuka had already gone through Ryo’s recollections of that day with a fine comb. Ryo had been able to check the day exactly by looking back through his exam notes. He took excellent notes, and dated the top of every page, and there had been one day that was skipped over even though it was in the middle of the week. That was the day after Fubuki had failed to talk to him all day, and so Fubuki must have gone missing the previous night. Because it took Ryo two days to realize his best friend’s disappearance. Of course it did.

“And then...I don’t know. Other than that, I’ve thought I could check his daily routine, and follow his path to see where...”

“You don’t have to do that much. Everyone knows the last place he was seen was the old Blue dorm.”

Asuka looked like all her first-year bravado and careful planning had been upset by this.

“No one talks about it because it’s creepy and the teachers don’t want you to go there. But it’s not exactly a secret. It’s not even hard to find.”

“Wait, wait, what do you mean, ‘old Blue dorm’?”

“It was the first one before they built the one we have now. That’s where Blue was in me and Fubuki’s first year, and then they started moving us in our second year. Because more girls started coming, and the middle school classes got bigger, and stuff like that...” Ryo trailed off, realizing he was probably being uninteresting. “But they don’t want us to go back there. Because that’s where everyone disappeared.”

“How many people do you think disappeared, total?” Asuka still sounded as if she was chewing on this new information.

“...Twenty, maybe.”

“Oh my god.” She was probably trying to restrain her reaction for his sake. Ryo tried to tell himself he didn’t care either way, but actually if he was honest with himself for one second, he was grateful. It was bad enough that Fubuki was gone, but he hadn’t even begun to confront the other missing students’ cases. They had been his classmates. And they had been snuffed out from the backdrop of his life where they had lingered for the past few years, and he had barely had a remorseful thought about it.

“ Just let me know who you want me to talk to. And anything else I can help with. And, y’know, keep checking in and coming back here.” The sea breeze t urned bitingly cold as the sun threatened to dip past the horizon.

“ Yeah, of course. Every day that I can. And um, I’ll keep an eye out at the end of the pier to see if you’re waiting for me.” Asuka tucked her h ands under her arms, bracing against the sea breeze .

“Yeah, same here.” He cleared his throat, sensing that the end of the conversation was getting closer and trying desperately to steer through to the part where he could leave and head back to his room. He still wasn’t good with long conversations. “And if you need anything else too, like if you want someone to look over your duel strategy papers or deckbuilding theory...”

“As long as you aren’t too busy.”

“I’m used to working pretty hard, so don’t even worry about it.” _Might as well keep being a senpai._ “Do you want me to walk you back to the dorm?”

“Sure.” She rolled her eyes. “Junko and Momoe will mob me as soon as I come in the door if they see me walking back with you.”

“We should break off in different directions once we’re close then.”

“Good idea.”

They headed back to the Blue dorm in a silence that Ryo thought was a comfortable one. They’d talked plenty and they didn’t have to talk any more. Only one time, when they were almost at the point in the road where Ryo would suggest they stagger their approaches, did Asuka say anything.

“Oh yeah, this is hardly important, but I keep meaning to ask.” She looked playful. “Do you play that draw bread game?”

“ Hm? Yeah, I’ve tried it a few times. But I thought it was better to let the underclassmen have a better chance.” He couldn’t resist being just a little playful in return. “And I don’t really like egg b read that much.”

As he passed through the gates of the boys’ dorm, still hearing Asuka’s disbelieving snort in his ears, he felt just a little guilty that a conversation had left him smiling. It seemed unfair to those who weren’t here, to be moved by anyone else.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you squint there's references to underage something-or-other but imo it didn't merit giving this fic the underage tag, still, you've been warned

Ryo was thankful to have a bedroom to himself. The room was too big for one person, and even the bed was too big for one person, so it seemed almost shamefully wasteful for it to be assigned to only one student. But it was his privilege as the top student in the top class, so he accepted it gracefully without putting up a fuss. And he was quietly thankful for it. At night, he could be alone with his difficult feelings. They would stay contained in this room, and no one else would need to know about them.

He had never had a room of his own in the old dorm, which had been smaller and had instead assigned the students roommates based on their class scores. Maybe to encourage competition. Anyway, he and Fubuki had been roommates  all the way up until Fubuki’s disappearance, and while they had competed, i t had  mostly  encouraged them to be close friends.

And then, it had encouraged them to be something that he couldn’t quite call ‘friends’ anymore, though he wasn’t sure what it had been. All he knew was that, in the musty darkness of the old dorm, their relationship grew into something he couldn’t find a name for in the light.

Fubuki was a p hysically affectionate person . He showed he cared for people by hugging, grabbing, leaning h is weight against another’s side . He’d kiss girls on the hand like a gracious prince and put his hands on the shoulders of his kouhai. It had been hard to get used to when he and Ryo had first met, so hard that Ryo had been aggravated by it. But Fubuki had worn him down, and gradually, they had turned into something inseparable. 

It was sometime late in their first year that Ryo had fallen asleep on Fubuki’s bed during a long studying session. And when he’d woken up, first thinking he was in his own bed and then realizing with horror that he could see his bed from where he was laying, there had been a warm weight against his back. Fubuki was laying there too, with his back to him, touching him.

Ryo couldn’t tell whether Fubuki was awake or asleep, but he pretended to be asleep. Not because he didn’t want to embarrass Fubuki, although that was what he told himself. He wanted to feel that warmth for longer, and he wanted to stay wrapped in the scent of Fubuki’s bed.

Fubuki was such a perceptive person, under the theatrics, that Ryo had always wondered if he had known what Ryo wanted based on just that one incident, or if there was some signal he himself couldn’t perceive but that Fubuki had picked up on. Because Ryo hadn’t realized until he met Fubuki and grew close to him that he wanted to be touched. The kind of casual contact Fubuki would initiate, that seemed impossible for Ryo to even imagine himself doing, was something he wanted deeply. It almost felt shameful to admit it. He was a consummate duelist who had honed himself since childhood for perfection. Things that ordinary people needed seemed so petty to him sometimes, or at least, he felt like they _should_ seem petty to him. But he wanted to be touched. He wanted Fubuki to wrap his arms around him and not let go for hours. He wanted to fall asleep breathing in the scent of Fubuki’s shampoo, and feel Fubuki’s weight on the bed next to him.

But because he was the kind of person he was, and Fubuki was the kind of person he was, it was Fubuki who had initiated all that anyway.

Alone in the room he had earned for himself, Ryo held a pillow to his chest.

_It’s selfish to miss being able to hold him._

Maybe it was just because Fubuki had been the first person he’d been close  to,  emotionally and physically,  b ut Ryo couldn’t imagine himself doing those things with anyone else. The idea of dating,  of finding a girl  among his classmates  and doing those things with her, was unthinkable.  _It wouldn’t be respectful to her either. Since I would just be using her to comfort myself. And it wouldn’t be fair to Fubuki. When he comes back._

Ryo let out a shaky breath as he clutched the pillow tighter.

_He_ _i_ _s coming back, so until then I can wait._

H e wanted to rub up against the pillow the way he and Fubuki had rubbed up against each other in the dark.  They had become that way wordlessly and silently, the same way they had started sleeping side by side, so there was no negotiation or planning, just hot and clumsy  blind fumbling. Ryo wondered why they hadn’t spoken, who they had been trying to hide from. Hadn’t they been alone? Was it just the adolescent sense that they were doing something that wasn’t allowed, or a fear that they would be labeled if anyone else knew?

If no one knew, and they never spoke about it, they’d never have to give a name to whatever it was, or give a name to themselves. They could keep kissing in corners and in the dark.  With Fubuki gone, the secret of their relationship was gone with him, as long as Ryo kept silent about it, and stayed stoic. Even though it burned at him sometimes. He almost wanted to tell Asuka, because she might be the one person he could tell.

_But what if she didn’t have any idea?_ She was perceptive, but she was  Fubuki’ s little sister.  _Fubuki wouldn’t talk about something like that with her, would he?_ Ryo didn’t know. It would be a weight off his shoulders to be able to talk about it with her, to get the truth of it out in the air in a way that he’d never done before, not even with Fubuki himself.  It would be a relief to be able to say it and understand it and prove that it had happened.  But he didn’t know how her face would change when she heard the confession,  or  if she would still want to meet him at the lighthouse a fterward . What if it changed the way she looked at him forever, or if she didn’t want to hear his recollections about their friendship? Maybe worst of all, as illogical as it was, what if she was so disgusted she stopped wanting Fubuki to be found? Ryo wondered when he had come to think of Asuka as the only person who might be able to find her brother, like either her search would succeed or nothing would ever change.

The other person  he  might be  able to tell was Instructor Cronos, but somehow that made Ryo a lmost as nervous.  If there was any teacher he could confide in, it was Cronos, who had doted on him since he had first come to the Academy, the same way he doted on all the best Blue students. He was  kind to the people he liked, even if he came off as sour and eccentric  everywhere else . Ryo had used his influence with his peers to stop a lot of whispers about that eccentricity, in return. Even if he knew the whispers were true, it wasn’t good behavior to gossip.

_Instructor Cronos is gay. I know he is._ The pillow, crushed against Ryo’s chest, was still cooler than the heat of his face.  _But I’m not. I don’t act like that, or want to d_ _ress_ _like that. But if I told him about_ _me and_ _Fubuki, he’d tell me I wa_ _s gay too_ _._

_And what would he say about Fubuki?_

_It’s not fair to decide something like that about him while he’s not around. Is Fubuki like that?_

The wondered question stopped Ryo’s fluttering heart for a second, because he didn’t know which was worse, but then he didn’t know why it was so bad for his best friend to be like that, especially since, after everything they had done together, they had to be past the point of caring. Would it be frightening if Fubuki reappeared, and confided in him that he was? Or would it be worse for him to admit that Ryo had just been a phase, just an experiment, and he liked girls after all?

That was another complicated t hing that Ryo didn’t know how to address: a relief, like Fubuki was a dirty secret that had been s hoved away to the back of the sock drawer, never to be looked at again. 

_I might be a bad person,_ Ryo thought dully.  _I might be a bad person, and no one else has any idea._

But thoughts like that were too dark and too at odds with the shining life he lived in the light. Ryo p ushed it back down to ignore it, and it joined all the other thoughts and feelings he had no time for, in the pit at the bottom of his heart.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mild self-harm warning for this chapter.

“...and so while I don’t really trust any of the instructors, I can’t believe any of them would have a reason to hide something like that.”

Having finished her summary of what she’d been doing, Asuka sank to the concrete pier and drew her knees up to her chest, looking out over the ocean and squinting against the sunset. Neither of them could truly see anything from here; but they watched the sun because it was something to do. Ryo wasn’t sure whether he was ready to voice it, but he was beginning to understand why old people found value in watching things like the moon or the autumn leaves. It was nice to bear witness to something constant, to put aside his chaotic final year and stare into something implacable, unchanging, and endlessly big.

“All the teachers are so happy to talk about him, even if they won’t tell me anything I can actually use. Was he really that well-liked?”

“Yeah. He and I were always competing for the top spot in every class, but when it came to actually getting along with the teachers, it was always Fubuki who won. From day one, he would just talk to everyone. I thought he was...well, I thought he was networking at first.”

Asuka snorted. “You can say he was a suck-up, I won’t tell anyone.”

“You said it, not me.” Ryo paused for a moment. “He wasn’t really, though. He really did want to know about everyone. I was busy trying to figure out which teachers would be most useful to emulate on my career path, so really...I was the suck-up, between the two of us.”

“Really? I didn’t think you’d want to follow anyone.”

“It’s important to look at the examples of the duelists that have come before you. That way, you can internalize their strategies, and learn from their mistakes...” Ryo rubbed his nose. “But, I mean, Fubuki was trying to make friends with everyone. And he was as smart as he was friendly. Of course everyone loves him. Nurse Ayukawa probably loves him too much, though...”

“I really...wasn’t expecting that, I guess.” Asuka rested her cheek against her hand. “To me it’s like...I’ve seen him acting cool and having lots of friends and all, but I’ve also seen him being embarrassing and trying too hard and failing at stuff, so...I guess I always thought of him as just my weird, embarrassing brother who sometimes tricks people into believing his act.”

“It’s not an act. He really is like that.”

“So I guess while we were growing up, I was watching him become the person everyone here knows.”

Ryo nodded slightly and silently, wondering if that was really how growing up worked. Had he started out as a child pretending to be the kind of man he was now? He hadn’t been consciously pretending, anyway. He had always been reticent, introspective, serious, the kind of person who looked down at people who weren’t at his level; not because he thought they were inherently worse, but just because they needed to try harder. He wondered what kind of person Sho was trying to be, or if he even had any plans for his future. If Sho was trying to be anyone, he was trying to be Ryo. But Sho just wasn’t like that. Just like how Ryo knew that, even if he pretended, he was nothing like Fubuki, and couldn’t grow up into him.

Maybe that was why Sho followed others around. Because he sensed that deficiency. Ryo had been less obvious about it, but he had been following Fubuki around, too.

Asuka was talking, about her and Fubuki’s childhood. The idea of an elementary school Fubuki was so alien to Ryo that he ended up getting pulled back into listening, grappling with the idea that Fubuki with his long limbs and long eyelashes and slim muscles had ever been a stubby child who didn’t think of romance.

Before long, the sun had sunk into the ocean. Ryo let Asuka go on, and didn’t interrupt; he had nothing to say anyway. Sometimes when Asuka talked about Fubuki he felt like she was doing it for him, like it was alright that he couldn’t summon up the right sentimental memories as long as Asuka could. And, just like Fubuki had, Asuka silently understood. She did not need him to talk, didn’t feel like there was a deficiency in his silence. It was fine if he only listened.

“...and sometimes I got so annoyed by that, but...” Asuka’s words faltered. Ryo looked up at her, turning his gaze from the sea. She had buried her face in her arms. When she took in a shuddering breath, he realized she had started crying.

“Are you okay?” Of course she wasn’t okay. Their entire relationship was founded on the understanding that neither of them were okay. But it was just the thing that people said.

“Y...yeah,” she said, because that was also just what people said. “I mean...I’m not crying because I feel like I was wrong or I’m sorry that I thought that way...” She wiped her tears away and tried to smile. “I mean, sometimes Fubuki _is_ annoying...”

“Yeah.” He smiled too. No one else would understood if they said that.

She had been thinking the same thing. “I mean I know a lot of people would, would think it’s bad to say that about someone who’s not here, but I know he’s here on the island somewhere. I can just feel it, and I swear I’m not wrong, but sometimes I get scared that—” Asuka’s voice wavered and died again. Even out here by the lighthouse, it was too dark now to see her face. But he heard her sob. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“I th-think—“ She tried to take a deep breath. “I think I need a minute, sorry—“

“It’s okay, really, it’s okay.” He tried to convey it to her with all the warmth he could.

She let out either another sob or a short and self-deprecating laugh. “I don’t usually get like this—“

He couldn’t reassure her with words again before her sobs resolved themselves into a pitiable wail.

Maybe it was because he hated to hear her sound like that: Asuka, who was so strong when others were around, who everyone in her year looked up to, who searched for the brother everyone was content to fondly remember and let fade into darkness. Or maybe it was because it was something Fubuki would have done. Maybe Ryo was just fed up with his words being totally useless.

But he wrapped his arms around her. It wasn’t something he was used to doing, but she melted into his chest as if she had been desperate for contact. She wrapped her arms around his back and sobbed into him, stifling wails of such helpless despair and aimless rage that he felt them resonate through his whole body, shaking his bones.

They stayed like that for what felt like hours, long enough that Ryo became restless and sore and uncomfortable, and the front of his jacket where Asuka’s tears had soaked it felt wet and cold. But finally she stepped away, shaky and raw.

She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and tried to make a brave face. She looked like a first-year, doing that.

“M-my apologies.”

“You don’t need to apologize. I mean it.”

She tugged at her gloves, her eyes on the tips of her boots. “Well. It’s pretty late. I do have to be up early for classes tomorrow. So...”

Ryo nodded. She wanted to escape, and he understood. “I’ll see you here tomorrow, if you want to come.”

No one was around to hear them, so Ryo wondered why both of their voices were hushed.

“Of course.” She made as if to turn on her heel, but hesitated. “Thank you, Kaiser. Um. Ryo.”

He nodded again. His shallow well of words had already run dry.

Asuka walked down the pier quickly, as if she was eager to be gone from sight, but Ryo thought she seemed lighter now. He had seen it in her face too. Crying like that had taken some of the weight from her shoulders.

As he followed the same path back to the dorm not long after she had, Ryo tried to tamp down a surging wave of feeling.

_Not til I get to my room._

_But maybe once I’m there, I can finally..._

He had never cried.

It was like there was a wall up inside of him. Like the tears he owed Fubuki were on the other side.

Asuka’s crying had been terrible to listen to, but part of him wanted that. Wished that, just for a few moments, just when he was by himself, the ice around his feelings could melt so he could have that release. Ryo wondered where the anxiety, the loneliness, the guilt, and the grief inside of him were going; they never seemed to boil over, and he never seemed to reach his limit. It was like he would keep holding onto these unexpressed feelings forever, and no one would know.

It wasn’t even that he _wanted_ anyone to know. He had expectations riding on him, an image he had to uphold, a promised future that was so very close. It would be most responsible to control himself.

But just once, just by himself, he wanted to melt like Asuka.

_Maybe when I get to my room._

Ryo reached his door and turned the key in the lock. His dorm room was black, silent, and empty. He closed the door behind him and stood against it. His eyes stung.

Nothing came out, though.

 _Maybe...Any second now_ _._ He took a deep breath. His throat was tight.

But it was dry.

He summoned up memories of Asuka’s face by the lighthouse, how sad and torn-up and unguarded she had looked. He felt his own face twisting up as if to imitate it, but that was all.

He remembered how her breath had caught and choked in her throat, how she’d had to struggle for air and how that had taken all of her strength, her dignity cast to the wayside. How her body had succumbed to her mind and forced her to vent everything she was feeling in front of someone she might not have wanted to, someone older, someone who might be able to understand or give comfort. He was sitting on the floor now, his legs having sunk out from under him before he had realized it, but he couldn’t squeeze any tears out. His hands were shaking before his eyes. Impotent rage. _Fuck._ He thought a word he would never say. _Why can’t I just fucking cry when I want to?_

No one was around, so he whispered it to himself. The harsh words burned in his throat, but they weren’t tears.

Ryo crawled over the carpet because it felt satisfying to grab the rug fistful by fistful, as if he could tear it up like grass. He wasn’t sure if he was whispering or merely thinking the hateful things he wanted to say to himself.

_He’s your best friend, isn’t he? You’re fucking miserable without him, aren’t you? You don’t even know what to do with yourself. And no one even knows how pathetic you are. He was your first kiss. You like him so much you can’t even look at any girls. He’s the only reason you even have any friends. He’s the only reason you’ve kissed anyone at all. And you can’t even miss him properly. You keep carrying on like nothing’s different. You can’t even cry about it._

He rested his forehead against the edge of the bed and it felt so much cooler than his skin. He was shaking with rage. But no tears. Never any fucking tears.

Ryo pinched himself, hard, so hard his fingers shook, hoping physical pain would do what emotional pain couldn’t. It hurt and it made him angrier, if that were even possible. He wasn’t even sure what he was angry at anymore, especially since his vision now was swimming before his eyes.

He blinked, trying to get just one tear to fall, but he couldn’t. And that pissed him off, but the most frustrating thing of all was that this wasn’t about that, that even if he could cry a little bit it wouldn’t feel like enough. To match the way he felt, he’d have to scream until his throat was raw. And he simply couldn’t do that.

Instead, he found himself endlessly, viciously punching at the spot on his leg he had torn into, wishing he could rip his skin with his fingers enough to draw blood, wishing he could scream without fearing that anyone would hear him, or that he could punch a wall without worrying about any other Obelisk Blues. Ryo closed his eyes, and wished to be taken away to somewhere, anywhere, where he could just figure out how to feel anything. Maybe he would find Fubuki there.

Eventually, though he wished it wouldn’t, his arm got sore. His thudding fist slowed down against his skin. And, resting his forehead against the edge of his bed, his dry eyes drooped and slowly closed. He did not remember having any dreams.


	5. Chapter 5

If Ryo had had to guess the occupant of Cronos de Medici’s office by its décor, he would have t hought “a 70-year-old woman”. Everything seemed to have a layer of frills, and was either  pastel  blue or pink. Cronos had a record player—not a CD player, a record player—and when he was grading papers, or fuming, opera and show tunes would blare down Duel Academy’s hallways. And of course there was a neat but conspicuous collection of cosmetics on the desk, along with a small mirror: sometimes Cronos would take breaks from his grading to preen. 

Ryo stared at those cosmetics instead of the made-up face of his teacher. Cronos was watching him, his long fingers steepled in front of his face.

“The semester is going well,” Ryo said. “I’m getting high grades in all of my classes and in my independent study, and I’ve been working with some of the teachers to improve the curriculum for future classes, since the world of duel studies is still relatively new.” He paused for a second, but Cronos was still letting him speak. “I actually wanted to talk to you about the idea of bringing in a guest speaker from KaibaCorp for the third-year business and marketing class—“

“Signore Marufuji. That is not what I meant when I asked you how you were doing.”

Ryo cringed. He couldn’t dodge the question by dazzling his teacher this time. “You mean about the stuff last year, then.” He kept his voice level.

“That is indeed the thing to which I was referring. You are my star student, and it is precisely for that reason that I fear I may have expected too much from you. Despite your admirable accomplishments, you are quite young after all. It is hardly reasonable to push and push anyone in the wake of,” Cronos faltered. “A mysterious event.”

Ryo’s gaze slid to his hands, clasped together in his lap. His feelings towards Cronos, usually mild but positive, were uncomfortably mixed lately and he didn’t know how to confront it. He still admired him  as a career duelist , an admiration Cronos had earned after Ryo observed his skills firsthand . But lately, R yo couldn’t hold back an irrational resentment t owards him— he was  the face of the establishment that b rushed off the mystery of Fubuki’s disappearance rather than l ook for him . And then, there was  the private shame  Ryo felt , as if Cronos could tap into some secret sense and learn the most private truths about Ryo and Fubuki’s relationship.

All those feelings tied up his tongue and left him dry-mouthed and speechless. He could only keep staring at his hands as if he needed to memorize everything about them.

Cronos slid a box of tissues to Ryo’s side of the desk, with an air of hopefulness. Ryo politely pushed it back a little.

He didn’t want to speak without knowing what his voice might sound like, but he was at risk of being rude or appearing too badly affected if he stayed silent. H e creaked out a few words.

“ I’m doing fine.”

Cronos nodded, though Ryo thought he looked doubtful.   
He squared his shoulders and raised his head before repeating it. “I’m doing fine. I a ppreciate your concern, but I’ve been dealing with things in my own way.” An absurd lie appeared on his tongue out of nowhere. “I saw someone in my hometown over break. You know, a specialist for that kind of thing. Emotional...things. So there’s that.” And then, to chase after that, a truth. “Fubuki’s...you know, Tenjoin Asuka and I have become friends lately. And we’ve been talking a lot. And then there’s all the other Blue guys, you know, so I’m doing fine.” The other Blue students  provided no emotional support at all , and Ryo hardly shared anything more personal with them than his thoughts on their classes. But Cronos always enjoyed getting to hear about his students, so Ryo threw it in. 

And whether he knew it was a flimsy lie or not, Cronos accepted what Ryo told him  with another nod, his dangling earrings and his bottom lip both quivering. “Signor e Marufuji,  it affects me greatly to hear that. Headmaster Samejima and I have both been thinking of you quite often, and he wished me to keep an eye on you in this troubling time. And I am most thankful to hear that you have the support of your peers, and that they do not keep you at arm’s length at this time of need!” Hearing that made Ryo feel rotten inside. “And Signor e Marufuji, I wish to extend my own hand to you as well. The Headmaster does regret that he is so busy, and that he has been unable to check in with you, but you are aware that his duties extend beyond merely his work at this school. Instead, I hope that you may come to me if there is anything you may need or wish to talk about. And if you request it, I will hold what you tell me in deepest confidence.”

_I wonder if Samejima knows more about the disappearances than he lets on. I wonder if Cronos can tell. Maybe he knows that he’s being left in the dark, and wishes he had anything to tell me, and feels guilty that all he can do is console me instead of providing any answers._ Ryo tried to see himself from his teacher’s perspective. Did he look wretched, naive, and pitiable to Cronos, bereft without his best friend or any explanation as to what had happened? Or did Cronos only see him as the man who brought pride to Duel Academy, the prodigy brilliantly navigating his way into his adult years?  _How old am I to you? How old should I be?_

But the role of an adult, self-sufficient and unmoved, was what Ryo felt most comfortable playing. To step down into a child’s shoes would be too far of a jump, and he might waver w hen he landed . “Thank you, sir. I’ll keep that in mind.” He glanced at the clock, wishing he had anything on his schedule soon enough to use as an excuse. “I want to be considerate of your time, so...”

“Please, do not feel as if you must be considerate always, Signore Marufuji. These are the years allotted to you to be a little selfish.” But Cronos seemed to be letting him go. When Ryo hesitated a moment, standing by his chair as if waiting to be dismissed, Cronos flapped a hand at him. “You may go, if you wish to! I understand you are perhaps as busy as I am.”

Ryo bowed. “Thank you, Instructor Cronos.”

“And thank you, Signore Marufuji. You are a credit to the school.”

Ryo left, walking more slowly than he wanted to. The hallway was nearly empty, but it would still be a poor example to be seen running in the halls by even one person.

When night started to fall, he traced the dirt path to the lighthouse. The trail had been beaten by jeeps and trucks and students’ feet, because this s chool , for all its fancy buildings, still coexisted uneasily with the jungle island it had been built on top of. The Academy was as much of a home as Ryo had, as much of a home as the dojo had been, but it was a flimsy place. During the rainy season, the school building leaked. The heat and humidity were always at war with the Blue dorm’s painted walls. New faculty were hard to find for this growing world of duelists, and they came and went every year with rumors of dodgy pasts and unearned credentials. The veneer of slick futurism and KaibaCorp excess rested uneasily between a burning mountain and the raging sea.

_But dueling is what I’m good at. Wherever I can duel is my home. So even if it’s precarious I’m glad this place exists here._

People were precarious too. The whims of his fellow students didn’t often make sense to him. They had dramas and romances and fallings-out he wasn’t privy to and didn’t care to find out about. Social groups constantly shifted and fell away. Teachers came and went as their career demanded. Professionals who couldn’t keep up would fall into mediocrity, and no longer appear on tv or in the magazines. And sometimes, people simply disappeared.

Ryo didn’t understand Asuka. But he wanted to be with her. He wanted to just stand by her and know that, even if there were gulfs between them and so much of grief and confusion and hope that they couldn’t possibly articulate it, some of their feelings were the same. Asuka didn’t want to know everything about him. But she seemed to understand that she didn’t need to. And being able to stand beside someone who understood that, and left him his silence, was as comforting as crying would have been. Maybe more. There was so much he wasn’t ready to let out.

He could already see her standing by the lighthouse, her white jacket glowing against the i ron-grey sea. Carefully he navigated down the steep hill to the pier, and he didn’t call out to her until he was already almost there.

“Hey,” she said, almost smiling.

“Hey.”

They let the ocean fill in the silence. Ryo wondered if there was something she was waiting to say to him. If there was something important, she would have said it already;  b ut after a while, if he stayed silent, she would tell him other things. Sometimes she told him what Sho was doing, a nd she would always end up talking about Yuki Judai, that first-year who had bested Cronos at the entrance exam. Ryo liked getting to hear about him, and about anything else Asuka had been thinking about. He liked seeing Duel Academy through her eyes. There was only two years between them, but to her the school was a much different place. She had so much free time and so many p laces to visit and things to do for the first time.

B ut she wasn’t saying anything.

That wasn’t unusual. But today, Ryo told himself, it was his turn to speak.

“Hey...Asuka.”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for always coming out here.”

He thought for a second that she might smile at him, or gently tease him like she sometimes did. But she didn’t. Maybe she could tell, even though he tried to stay stoic, the depth of the feeling he was trying to convey to her. 

She only nodded gracefully. “Thank you, too.”

“I don’t really know what I’m doing for you...”

“You’re here. That’s a lot.” She stood by his side by the edge of the sea. “There isn’t anyone else I can just stand by and not talk to like this. You’re the only one. So I should be the one thanking you.”

“... I guess that’s how I feel too.”

This time, she did smile. “See, I knew it. It’s fine to not talk sometimes, right? That’s like, the foundation of our friendship. Is it alright for me to call it a friendship?”

“Yeah, that’s alright.”

“Good. I did want to check, because...” She folded her hands behind her back. “You’re very careful about the people you call your friends, aren’t you?”

“You could say that.”

“I don’t think that’s a bad thing, though. And it’s okay to have different kinds of friends. Like, I know I’m not the same kind of friend as Fubuki.”

Ryo’s eyes darted to her face, but she wasn’t looking at him. Still, he wondered if she knew.

“And, um, you don’t have to worry about me wanting the same kind of friendship. I know you guys were really close.”

Ryo felt his face flush with feeling, and he was glad it was dark. “That’s good.”

“Fubuki is here on this island. I know he is. And I’m going to find him. So until I do, thank you for helping me. Thank you for all the conversations we’ve had here by this lighthouse.  And, you know, for all the silence. ”

“ S ame .” 

It was fine that he didn’t have anything else to say to her.  She would fill in the blanks on her own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ha ha I'm sure that this guy being unable to confront his emotions and basing his identity on his ability to play a card game won't cause any problems in his near future at all


End file.
